What if love did not have to be so hard?
by SARK —
I met John on a cruise. He had no idea who I was or that I had sold millions of books around the world. He told me that he had been deeply in love once before and the honeymoon had never ended, until his wife passed away. And then he told me that he was qualified to adore me. And I thought to myself, “I am going to marry this man!” A month later, he moved in and we got engaged just before our three-year anniversary.
Love is really hard
One of the most wonderful experiences we have in our lives is loving another human being. Not the storybook kind of love where he always puts the toilet seat down and you never fight but the beautiful love where you share a soul connection that lets you grow and truly expand as human beings.
I wanted that for a really long time but, like a lot of us, I had my own pesky inner critics that were telling me I was not good enough. You know the ones that tell you that you are too old, too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short, or too whatever to have someone really love you. Mine seemed to keep whispering or shouting in my ear that I would probably never find love anyway so I should just give up and stop trying — it just felt too hard.
What if it does not have to be so hard?
When I met John, he told me he promised to see me as perfect and take responsibility if he did not see me that way. I thought this was a really exciting idea until I realized it meant I might have to see him as perfect, too. You mean put away all my lists and stop trying to fix him?
It turns out that I was making being in love really hard. I had been carrying around a whole lot of baggage about what it meant to be with someone and what a relationship was supposed to look like. Even in all my wildness, I had a pretty tame idea of what a relationship was supposed to be.
From those pesky inner critics who had been setting me up to fail from relationship to relationship, to the rules I was carrying around (inherited from my parents and other well-meaning people), I really had been set up to be a relationship disaster.
So I set out on a covert love operation to find the love that I was hoping was possible for me. From love mentors to support groups, I set out on an adventure that would eventually lead me to something more than I had dreamed possible.
More love more often
Most people know me from my book Succulent Wild Woman, where I shared the story of marrying myself because I knew and promised that I would never leave me. And I still stand by that work. But when I dove in deep with John in a relationship that married our souls, I realized that I could be wild and free while still being deeply connected to my beloved.
We call this kind of relationship we have created “succulent wild love.” We not only married our souls, but we also married our work, so we could share the powerful habits we use in our own relationship to help others experience more love more often.
If you want to create more love for yourself, here are four things you can start with right this minute:
• Realize no one can complete you. If you want a relationship that feeds your soul, inspires and delights you, and invites you to grow — you have to allow both of you to create something bigger than you can alone.
• Listen deeply to your own inner wise self. You know more that you think. In fact, you have a very wise internal guidance system that supports you to know what you really want. Sometimes you ignore this system to listen to your head — pick what looks good on paper, do what other people think you should. But you know what you really want. Follow that voice.
• Know that inside every conflict is a joyful solution. Every relationship will have fights and disagreements; that is just part of being human. But when you understand there does not have to be a winner and a loser, one who gets what they want and another who compromises, you can experience conflicts very differently, ones that result in deeper connections and joyful solutions.
• See the perfection of your beloved. Sure you will do things that annoy each other. Sure you will drive each other crazy on occasion. But when you understand that just about everything that drives you crazy is coming from your own fears, you can begin to see your partner as perfect just as he is. It is not that you do not have preferences; you do. But those preferences do not need to result in your feeling and experiencing less love.
More love is available for you
After more than 25 years of teaching, there is one thing that I know for certain. More love is available for every single person than they realize. If you could begin to fathom all the love that this world holds for you, it would break your heart open with joy and delight.
So no matter where you have come from, no matter where you are going, no matter what you look like or who your friends are, remember that more love is available to you right now. You are beautiful. You are worthy. And you are lovable.
SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) and Dr. John Waddell are the authors of Succulent Wild Love. SARK is a best-selling author and artist who has been helping individuals and couples lead happier lives for more than 30 years through her clinical psychology practice and metaphysical teachings. PlanetSARK.com or newworldlibrary.com.
Reprinted from AzNetNews, Volume 34, Number 6, December 2015/January 2016.